Epistolary #1 Notes of a Suicidal

Image source: https://sossafetymagazine.com/drugs-alcohol/5-ways-to-help-someone-who-is-suicidal-and-addicted/

Dear nobody, everybody.

Dear nothing, something, everything.

It feels like I’m on that streetcar named desire. It feels like I head to the cemetery.

I feel like I want to bury myself in the ocean, fill my heart with blue glass water.

I feel I want to fly from the Golden Gate. I feel I want to blend with nature in Aokigahara.

I feel like I want to be kissed by a truck. I feel like I want to lose myself in a deep, long sleep.

I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, and I feel.

I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of feeling want to vanish. I’m tired of feeling the pain.

It’s throbbing all over my body. It’s throbbing in my mind. It’s throbbing in my heart.

I used to hate it—sleeping.

How does someone waste their time in unconsciousness?

Why visiting land of dream when there’s always someone trying to kill me in every way possible. Sword, dagger, gun, anything to tear my soul apart from my body.

Yesterday, the hope I don’t have to sleep kept flying in my consciousness.

But today, today, today… I want to sleep all the time. I want to be lost in unconsciousness.

The need to sleep is the need be unconscious and not to be here.

The need to sleep is the need to stop reality.

The need to sleep is the need to stop flooding of pain.

I understand now why several people love alcohol or sleep. They need a break, don’t they?

Sadness, guilty, anxiety, self-hatred.

Pain is throbbing. Anxiety is attacking. I’m suffering.

Is it possible that I’m depressed? Or I’m just extremely sad?

I don’t know which state I’m going through right now. It’s just sometimes life is so hard and getting harder and harder. Not because problems, but how I react to it.  This is like a cycle. This happens again and again. This phase is suck. The only good news is… I don’t hit my head to the wall like before. I want to die, but I’m too scared, too coward. I don’t like pain. Death brings great amount of pain, doesn’t it?

People say life’s like riding a bicycle. Others say it’s like riding a roller-coaster. For me life means fighting monsters—all kind of monsters.

If you read this, you’re not too late or too early, or on time. If you read this, you just know what I feel and what I choose. I feel like shit, but I choose to live. The feeling of wanting to vanish, to give up, will linger, yet I’ll keep going. I have another plan.

I’m a failure, but I’ll keep going. I don’t chase dream now, but I’ll keep going. I don’t dream anymore. I don’t do my hobbies anymore. I neither read nor write. It has been two months since I read and write. Recently I met several people and told them lies: that I love writing. I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t think I enjoy anything anymore. This is my first effort to write again, to read again. I need to do those eventhough I don’t enjoy it.

Honestly, I don’t want to hold on to something or someone anymore. I want to let go of everything, including life, but here I am alive with burden of being a human on my shoulder. Here I am. I live because I have no choice. God gives me these days, these times. It’s not something I can give to others. It’s not something I waste in a day. It’s something I borrow until the day I die. When will I die? How many days God gives me?

I choose to live. I have another plan. I’ll live this life well and try to get to heaven.

I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I believe afterlife, so that I wouldn’t ask God to make me a stone or other dead things that doesn’t have to live. I believe in what my religion taught me: that people can ask anything in heaven. I will try to go to heaven and ask my God to erase me. I don’t want to be immortal. I have enough of this life, and maybe the next life. I don’t want to go through things anymore.

It feels like I’m on that streetcar named desire. It feels like I head to the cemetery.

I feel like I want to bury myself in the ocean, fill my heart with blue glass water.

I feel I want to fly from the Golden Gate. I feel I want to blend with nature in Aokigahara.

I feel like I want to be kissed by a truck. I feel like I want to lose myself in a deep, long sleep.

I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, and I feel.

I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired of feeling want to vanish. I’m tired of feeling the pain.

It’s throbbing all over my body. It’s throbbing in my mind. It’s throbbing in my heart.

Or perhaps cherish the pain is a good idea.